January 26th, 2020 12am Stage 1
Jeb Bush Orchestra
WE ARE JEB BUSH ORCHESTRA, AN ENTIRELY APOLITICAL, MOSTLY INSTRUMENTAL FUNK BAND FROM BOSTON, MA.
It was a snowy day in the middle of Chinese summer. Meanwhile in Allston, Luke Bergamini found Himself on the edge of a metaphorical cliff, looking off into the distance. He saw a light. It was a tween with a laser pointer. Now Luke is unable to see the color red. His love for communism documentaries was ruined overnight. To compensate for his inability to appreciate the rich history of communist Russia, he developed an extraordinary ability to summon funk music on the bass guitar.
Ben “The Handsome One” Hammer was forged in the mountains of Cincinnati, Ohio. A combination of quartz, white hot masculinity, and everything nice, he was dubbed “The Handsome One” by the band’s fan. Mrs. Hammer has refused further comment for this biography.
Willis “The Cute One” Edmundson was born three weeks premature due to his incessant drumming on the walls of his mother’s womb. He emerged with complete independence of each limb. Doctors dubbed him “torso boy.” Shortly after reattaching his limbs, he took up the drums. He met Luke at a Batman-only costume party. They both came dressed as Condoleezza Rice.
Grant “Grant” Bloom had never been exposed to sunlight upon meeting Luke in 2016. He was detained in a controversial prison designed to convert societal menaces into funk guitarists. Grant escaped by tying strings together and slowly filing down his cell bars, taking thousands of hours. Grant was hitchhiking when Luke picked him up on I-95 on his way to an I-95 appreciation convention.